It’s not a surprise why I dreamt about this fireman I was seeing before last night. It was 3 years ago when I first met him and now we remain friends on Facebook. He has a thing for armpits – like he has an armpit fetish. He’s dating an Asian woman right now and they’ve been together roughly 2 years. Randy – his name – still messages me from time to time. He says how much he wishes to be with other women too, but his GF is a really great catch…probably with nice pits to match.

In my dream, they both came to see me. In my dream, he came close to me and his GF didn’t seem to mind. We began telling her stories of how me and him met. How cruel is that ? Also considering that I had both my arms wrapped around him at the same time. Dreams are weird. One time I dreamt about Justin Timberlake … don’t even ask me about it.

This weekend that passed, hurricane IRMA swept throughout the Caribbean and Florida. I was working, meanwhile, and trying to not strain my left hand. I had finally the surgery for the carpal tunnel on my left. The surgery was quick and I don’t remember a thing. The right hand comes next… might be tomorrow if my surgeon agreed.

Back at work, I have 2 male bosses and a new lady manager. Both men have contrasting qualities. The older one (in his 50s) smiles a lot and is friendly to all his staff. He jokes around too. Once I told him he was the best boss ever and he replied with , “Don’t lie to me.” Well I lie all the time (or less than all the time), but he is the best boss I’ve ever had. I think he likes it when I give him a hug. Who wouldn’t ? The other male boss is younger. I’m betting he’s younger than me by 10 years or close. Very unpredictable. It’s almost like he’s a woman in her premenopausal era. Stern yet accommodating, very truthful yet unpredictable. “Is he serious ???” One time I told him that one of our lady guests asked to have the windows closed because she was getting cold. My boss said, “let’s just throw her into the fire then.”. I froze for roughly 2 seconds and walked away. Younger boss is God-fearing and as compassionate as older boss. He’s just not as sociable as older boss. They both ride high-end cars and have both a motorcycle. Older boss is into BMW, younger boss must not be able to afford it yet so he rides Japanese ones. Younger boss has chided me quite plenty of times for not looking ahead. He admitted though that he likes my attitude at work. : ) I gave him a hug and was so thankful he didn’t push me back and say “Don’t touch me!!!”.

What do I do about this other guy ? Back in my old apartment, during the days of misery and endless worries of being homeless, he offered me help by looking for cheap apartments. Cutting the story short, we would rendezvous in an inconspicuous location in the neighborhood and he would take me to an empty apartment. 10-15 minutes later, it’s as if nothing happened. After the first encounter, he wouldn’t stop texting me and asking me if I was available. He was acting like he was running out of gas somewhere and I had to come to his rescue, “I need you!” . After a while, I started making excuses. Eventually I moved to this new place (he found it for me) and the quickies were put to a halt. He still messages me and even told me he’d give me gas money if I went to “visit” him. Aaaaarrrgh! I feel so exploited. I didn’t cave in. I’m still making excuses (like I said, I lie less than all the time) so I wouldn’t need to. I’m so close to telling him that I’m dating someone and having sex with anyone else would be rude. He’s 5 years younger than me who said “I’ve wanted you since the first time I laid eyes on you.” . Not exactly what I want to hear from a gentleman but it’s not the first time.

When I came off Effexor early this year, my libido was on a high roll. I stopped taking it because I would have very vivid nightmares. When my psychiatrist put me on Zoloft, the libido turned into gardening, Twitter, walking my dog, and cleaning my house. It’s quite a fair exchange, I think. Keeps bacterial vaginosis away.


Men are men. Y’all will crave for new flavors, like beer. Some can control it and others, the glass of beer just seems to offer itself free-of-charge. I think of ALL (of maybe less than ALL) the men I’ve dated and known. Somehow right now -could be the Zoloft talking- my interest in being with one is at an all-time low. There’re plenty of other matters that I want to give my time to.

Never have I enjoyed lonesomeness up to now.


At the Pharmacy

Picking up my Xanax yesterday after work, I had no clue what I was going to come across.

Entering the vicinity of the little plaza where my pharmacy is located, I saw an empty spot right in front of me which was just in front of the place. So I drove slowly because I knew I was going to cross a small intersection. As I was slowly getting closer to the parking space, I did see an SUV backing out of a disabled parking space. So I eased into the space and before you know it, the SUV almost rammed and T-boned me.

The driver pulled behind me and from my side view mirror I can see his fuming face. I got out of my car and made sure my camera was on video in case he threatens me. According to him, he was waiting for the spot I took . He said that i just drove straight in while his signal was pointing to the spot. Hmm. I apologized and told him that I didn’t see him. He was upset and questioned how I didn’t. Well, I didn’t tell him that I saw him backing out of the disabled space. He doesn’t have a disabled placard. He was just mad that I took his parking spot …. looking around, there really wasn’t any need for him to be so revved up. There were PLENTY of empty spaces !!!

So, in an attempt to just go on about my day and not pay attention to this cunt, I offered to leave the space and started to go back to my car. “Oh so now you’re going to move ???” He spits. I was so dumbfounded. Eventually a car left from 2 spaces away and the cunt drove his SUV there and parked. He came out of his car and started arguing with me still. I honestly didn’t know what the fuck he wanted. I already apologized and he was still aggressive and said he was going to hit me because of what I did. I told him that I feel harassed and he’s scaring me. “What you did was wrong !” He insisted. “Do you do this all the time ?” He asks. I told him that I have been cut in parking areas before too but it wasn’t a big deal.

Good grief. Inside his green Expedition was a younger man (must be his son) and a woman in the backseat I figured was his wife. This is an overweight Latino man wearing an oversized T-shirt, baggy jeans and a smug face. What the fuck does he think he is ? I told him I had the right to park there too. Nothing calmed him down so I called 911 on his ass. The dispatcher told me to go ahead and get my medicine in the store and they’re sending police. I told the dispatcher that I’m scared and I feel aggravated just because of his accusations.

I picked up my meds and told the staff in my pharmacy about the altercation that happened to me outside the store. They were all surprised that such was just due to parking. Yes, me too. Road rage due to parking when there’s so many parking spaces that were empty. Maybe that space held a place in his heart ?

After I left the pharmacy, the cunt was waiting outside. I walked to my car and drove off. I called 911 again to tell them that I had left and requested to speak with the officer who was going to respond to my call. I just needed someone to control this asshole while we talked about his issue. However, I left and eventually I received a call from the police. “He was so mad that I took his parking but didn’t calm down when I offered to just leave the spot and park somewhere else. I don’t understand how he was so upset.” I thanked the cop and hung up.

By the way, I took a few pictures of this cunt and posted it on social media to alert my friends that someone was aggravating me and that I didn’t feel safe. The mother fucker almost hit me and I was the one apologizing. Plus he wouldn’t let it go. This makes me question how this man’s family life must be and what kind of children he must be raising.

What a sad individual. I should’ve shoved a Xanax in his ass. That may have calmed him down.

Monday Blues

It's not my "blues" really. Although, I was buzzing around my living room at 10 in the morning today, feeling calm thinking I don't work until 4 pm. Then, I thought "hmm, let me make sure…" then saw I was working at 11 am ! Surely, I didn't shower (mind you, I showered last night) and immediately dressed up for work and did my make up for 10 minutes – that's record-breaking. My coffee was brewed but there wasn't any way I can drink it, have my cereal and still make it to work on time. So it was PB&J sandwich in a Ziploc bag and zoom, zoom, zoom.

Being late at work at this point is not what I want to give as an impression. Luckily, traffic has lifted and I got to work 15 minutes early !

Now, despite being depressed and anxious alternately (or sometimes simultaneously), I don't bring that to work. Again, like being tardy, I don't want to be known as the Debbie D. So I acknowledge everyone with a cheerful "Good morning !" and even give some people at work a hug or two. I've been told I'm always cheerful, "how do you do it ?".

An hour after getting into work, Marcy, one of the staff didn't return my greeting like she usually would. She was quietly making roll ups in the corner of the bar where I was polishing glassware. This lady is blonde, a little plump but is mostly cheerful with her high-note voice. Jimmy, then bartender asked her if she wanted to take a reservation for 6 guests today. Eventually, I heard her say "I will do anything to keep me from thinking." I asked her, " How come you don't want to think ? Is everything OK?"

Marcy starts to weep, rolling up the silverware and tells me, "Oh I just have a lot of things in my mind. Men really do certain things that can make you crazy…but I'm afraid that I might lose my best friend." Apparently she's been seeing this man on and off for 8 years.

She told me it's complicated… she teared up and I handed her some napkins used for the bar. Eventually she admits "don't judge me" that the guy she's seeing is married. In my head, I didn't judge her at all and I told her that I'm in no position to judge anyone. "We all make mistakes and I even make my own mistakes up to now."

During the course of the day, I kept her busy with guests here and there. Eventually, I called on her attention when everything simmered down and told her that she has to open her door to other men who deserve her. "You know that your situation will only lead to nowhere, if not a disaster." She said she knew that and have thought about it over and over again. "If you stay in this relationship, you won't be able to give yourself a chance to be happy. You will hurt for a while, but that will eventually be over. It's cliché!"

"Allow yourself to be happy and find and be found."

She listened and I know it didn't heal her right there and then but I told her that I hoped she would feel better. It's known that she won't totally feel well until she has released herself from this burden.

It makes me a bit sad seeing my coworkers hurting – especially when they are crying. My immediate thought is to listen to what they have to say and just pour it out. Often times they really need to say what's in their mind and have someone there just to listen. Thank goodness I didn't forget to take my Xanax despite the fact that I was rushing to work this morning. What would I ever do without my magic pill ?

I may have run into a car or got into an accident. Nonetheless, I made it through the day and now home and in the middle of laundry. This Chinese guy is using the laundry room with me. I was hoping I could have it all to myself as I am also washing my bed sheets today. In the laundry room closest to my apartment, unfortunately there're only 2 washers and 2 dryers.

Wish me luck !

What’s New?

Last weekend, I went through ALL my deleted voicemails and didn't realize there were 3 new messages in my blocked messages section.

The number was the same for all 3 but with no message ID. After listening to the latest one, dated July 3, I remembered who it was. It was this Italian drama king who I met online but never really met in person. I blocked him as he couldn't accept why I wouldn't add him on Facebook. Duh. Now it is dawning to me but 3 days ago, I was having a bit of hard time recalling why I had him blocked.

His message stated that his Dad had a stroke, his last relationship didn't work out and he wondered if I was going to talk to him. Feeling sorry, I called him. I had an hour to spare before leaving for work that afternoon. Let's just say he spoke 90% of the conversation and all that I was left to say was either "yes", "that's right", or "OK.". Oh let's not forget that I also told him that I had to go because I had a party to go to. It was a lie but it was the only way that I could cut this blabbermouth and just hang up. I'm definitely not emotionally ready to get into another relationship and if I was, it wasn't going to be with this man. My back hurt while I spoke with him.

It was such a relief the moment I turned the phone off after saying goodbye to him. He said he wanted to see if I was available next week to meet him for coffee or tea. I do have a feeling that he does not remember why we stopped communicating.

About three months ago or so, I met him online at a dating website. Thinking that he was pretty friendly with the messaging, I gave him my number and we started talking on the phone. After a few days of talking on the phone he asked me if I had Facebook and if I could add him. I told him that since I have not met him in person, and he wasn't necessarily my friend, I won't add him. He took that negatively and sent me messages regarding him being a nice person etc. etc.
I sent him a reply that I'm sure he is what he is saying but the fact that he feels so strongly about me adding him on Facebook and cannot accept that I won't, tells me a lot about him. After that I blocked him so I could no longer receive any messages that will urge me to send a reply.


Why am I even mentioning that dude? I only have about 275 friends on my Facebook. 90% of them are either relatives of mine and/or people I used to work with for a long time. The 10% would be acquaintances who I don't really consider as friends but whose feed I like seeing. I did not add my cell phone number and the information on Facebook for the reason that I do not want people to search for me. I also have restrictions to who can add me as a friend there. Some of my friends on Facebook are even restricted. About four or five of them cannot see my daily feeds unless I make it public.

My left shoulder hurts like hell. My hands are hurting again and I've been having dreams again.

Yesterday, I bought a large wind chime for the northwest side of my apartment. I have been reading a lot of Feng Shui regarding wind chimes. The one I bought sounds really nice when the wind blows. The sound is soft and low, not like tinkling or clinking. It's more of "clang" and "tong" . LOL

I really love my new wind chime. In my previous apartment, I had about six wind chimes and I think that may have hurt my chi and brought in lots of negative energy. Moving here, I threw them all away.

Chester Bennington committed suicide last week and I have been listening to Linkin Park a lot after that. I have admired this man's ability to scream and sing at the same time since I was in college. I also "Saw" the movie where he was in back in the day. When they say that men are more successful in committing suicide, I certainly believe it's true. A lot of women who are depressed and are suicidal have the ability to reach out to someone and voice out their emotions in a form of asking for help. Men tend to man up and when they can no longer take it, they take their life and make sure they succeed.

One of my colleagues asked me to join her and a group of other friends in Napa this month. I told her I can't …. it's obviously going to cost a lot of money and I'm not positive it will be worth it. Wine country can be fun if someone else is paying for the wine tasting and the ride.

Lately I've been thinking that I do better being alone. I have adjusted to this kind of life and feel good being around the people I work with when I'm working. When not, I'm good by myself or with my children and my pets. I feel like I cannot get myself involved with new people as I am not ready to explain my life to anyone to check if they can accept me for who I am. My new neighbors are friendly – they would always smile and greet me. I keep to myself and hope my new wind chime will not be an issue.

OK. That's about chapter one. :p


My new place has a pretty nice location. Unlike my previous residence, my balcony is set between two large oak trees. Although a lot of its leaves fall in my balcony every day, I don’t mind sweeping. It keeps my mind off things. My balcony is also pretty shaded, again, by the trees. 

Right now, I’m drinking my late-morning coffee nestled next to these beautiful trees. I wake up often facing my window and seeing the trees (besides my cat’s face on mine) help me get up and be positive. My hands have been hurting again. The steroid injection may be wearing off and I might need to make an appointment with my doctor for my next shot. Carpal tunnel sucks. I wore my wrist braces all day yesterday and then today. I know that this is because of lifting those heavy plates at work and primarily just having to scrub tiny little things at work as well.

The great thing is, my salary increased and so are my tips ! My son also got a job and tells me he really likes it. My therapist is back from her vacation and I cannot wait to tell her about it. She gave me a phone call this morning and I told her that I have already moved into a new place. She sounded delighted by it. 

My mood has been pretty good lately. My feelings of depression has lifted and I am quite sure that this is due to the Zoloft and the fact that we have moved out of that apartment complex. I also have not been having any nightmares although I have been dreaming again and remembering it. Money is really a big factor when it comes to sanity. One thing that I am quite scared off and think about sometimes are the side effects of the Seroquel. It is an antipsychotic medication and has side effects that can include tic and involuntary movements called extra pyramidal symptoms. 

Time and time again, I remember to take deep breaths. The weather has been hot the past few days but the wind helps. Yesterday, I was watching a hummingbird fly around the rainbow flower pinwheel that I have in my balcony. It was doing that for a few minutes and it made me feel good. I tried to take a picture of it and a video but I think that scared it. 

Right in front of my building, there is an olive tree that has so many fruits right now. I remember last year, when I was still dating this man, he had an olive tree in front of his apartment too and when the fruits ripened, they would fall to the ground and people would step on them. There was a time that I asked him to grab some olives for me but the branches were too high for him to reach considering that he only stands 5’4. 

As I was writing this post, the hummingbird came ! I think it has this idea that the fake hummingbird decor I have next to the pinwheel is real. 

Back to work tomorrow and then seeing my therapist the next day. 

Laundry Day

So far all of the neighbors I’ve met here at my new apartment is nice and cordial. Like for example, when I was looking for where to get a laundry card – I’ve never used one for doing my laundry , a Middle Eastern woman who was in the laundry room that day was kind and nice to tell me where I could get it. 

Today, I felt a bit squeamish about doing my laundry for the first time reading that a lot of their washers can be broken at times. So I bring down my hamper and hooked it to my trolley and headed to the laundry room closest to me. 

Immediately I had a problem – I couldn’t get the darn machine to start. Put card in, select wash and start. Nothing. A few minutes later, a tall gentleman with salt and pepper curly hair (I’m guessing Samoan or Fijian) came in. I asked him if the machine was broken and he inspected it shortly and pushed the door to the machine – it clicked ! Then the water started flowing . Hee ! I thanked him. He introduced himself as John and I told him his hair is really pretty. Very nice man. He asked me my name again, saying he was bad with names. I said “me too”.

So there’s my first day at the laundry. Now I’m sitting here trying to figure out if I should wait for my wash to finish or go walk my dog. 

Meanwhile, for the whole weekend, my son and I have been coming in at 7 am – good lawd – to do extra work at the restaurant. Yes ! My son was able to get a job there too and that was the highlight of my week. My boss told me that he’s heard about my financial dilemma and wanted to help me out. Therefore, he gave me and my son the task of cleaning the restaurant floor of hardened grease. No sweat. It was to be honest a bit of work and I am super sore at the moment but anything to have extra income. Plus, my son and I were working together. 

The Zoloft may be working already as I’ve been on it for over a month. The Seroquel doesn’t immediately put me to sleep anymore and I have been remembering my dreams again – although no nightmares. Thanks be to God. 

Do people steal other people’s laundry ?

New Place 

After searching for months for a new home,  I’m happy to say that my family and I got some overwhelming response. I found an apartment that was cheaper and although it’s a further drive from work, it saved me and my sanity. I was totally already getting myself ready for homelessness. 

My boss at work heard about my issue and – despite the a-hole that my coworkers thought he was, he reached out to me and referred me to a friend of his that manages apartments in San Jose. I was walking home, desperate and almost hopeless when I got his message and by the next day, his friend had started messaging me. Unfortunately, she didn’t have available rooms for the coming week which was the end of my lease. I was still thankful that she was very nice and kind to work with our situation.

Meanwhile, I was also working with leasing agent from my current -then-Apartment and he gave me information about another agent in San Jose. After a shift one day, I scheduled a meeting and application. My financial issue and bankruptcy ultimately didn’t qualify – until my sister co-signed the lease with me. She said she doesn’t want to see me or my son homeless.

The approval application was a lot of communications here and there … but by the 4th of July, my family and I had officially moved out of our old apartment to our new second floor one that has a view of Mount Hamilton.

God is good and I never doubted that my family and I will see this through. My sister may have gotten a wee upset with me but she explained herself . I told her she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. She is the kindest person one will ever meet.

Also, as I communicated with my boss during that fateful night after work, I mentioned to him that my son will be needing work and I was hoping he could get hired. He then urged me to have him put in an application. Short of the long, it’s his first day of work today. 

I gave my boss a hug upon coming back to work. He is very religious and kind after all. He put his arm around my shoulder and I told him how much I really appreciate him.

Now that we are all settled, I want to keep taking care of this anxiety and depression so I can help myself and my son. I know that my previous home situation wasn’t the last challenge but I can’t wait to tell my therapist about how this turned out. 

God is great. God kept me strong and my faith will never falter. There is always a reason for everything. 

Darn Kid

There’s a kid next door that -I’m quite sure- is mentally challenged. I’ve lived in this apartment and been next-door neighbors with this family long enough to tell. It’s a routine. Every evening , I can hear the boy scream “Mommy! Mommy!” while the bathroom exhaust fan is on on their side. I believe that that’s probably when he gets his evening bath. 

He also stomps his feet so loud, I often hear it seemingly happening in my own apartment. This boy is probably 11-12 years old. His parents drive a Mercedes Benz and a Porsche Cayenne both bearing disabled plates. He has other siblings that seem normal. Coming out from almost a door that’s about 4 feet apart, I have never seen this couple together or smile. Never heard laughter. 

The wife is a short 4’10 or so – probably Hispanic . She always gets the kids with her and I’ve seen her drive both cars. Being annoyed with their son probably has prevented me from saying “hi” OR it is most likely because her husband is a fucking inconsiderate prick that slams the door each time he leaves the house. He pounds on it too. Like “bang, bang, bang” pound. My children and I are annoyed. About a year ago, I mentioned this noise to the apartment staff. They asked me if I wanted them to talk to my neighbors and I said no. I wasn’t sure how retarded the father is. 

Today, I was having pounding on my chest. Is this how a ventricular tachycardia feels like ? I don’t think so. However, I was watching the new season of OITNB when I started to notice my chest was pounding. “It could be the coffee.” I told my daughter. We often watch the entire season together. Today she’s gone to work and I had to take a shower. My period is giving me big-time cramps and the kid screaming – and stomping his damn feet- next to my bathroom racked up my nerves. Thank goodness I have cats to calm me down and my pill that’s easy to swallow. 

Still haven’t found a place to move into . My eviction issue is almost halfway done. I have 4 payments to make, less than $500 each. Top priority is a new home. 

One time, I was coming out of my parking space walking towards my apartment when  I saw my neighbor’s Porsche unloading their kids, most probably from school. I couldn’t help but notice that the boy’s mother was having a difficult time getting her son out of the car. I mean he can walk. I guess he just doesn’t understand that it’s time to fucking go home and gets rinsed off the day. 

That’s most probably why the couple next door is never smiling, or cheery. With all the troubles going on in my life, all my misery, I still get to laugh and giggle … I still get to smile. 

Lesson is, Mercedes Benz and Porsche don’t make the rainbows come out to save the day.

Slow Today

After 2 days off from work, I returned today and I felt an overwhelming feeling of slowness and disinterest in everyone at work. I did my best as always and did whatever my bosses asked me. As I began my day at work, I noticed that I was slightly sweaty after not really doing much. 

As for our clients, I know I could’ve been more cheery. I just have so many things going on in my head. 

“It doesn’t help me.” I kept reminding myself. My therapist and I keep talking about this during our sessions but it’s so fucking hard not to think…what else am I going to think about? The month is about to end. Although I know I can make the rent this month, it’s where to move after my lease ends that often distracts my good mood. The fact that I have a surgery scheduled this month also has been revving my nerves. How will I be able to work if I have a wound in my hand? My surgeon plans to do the carpal tunnel release in two weeks then put me on a 2-week off work. Then 6 weeks later, he will work on the left hand. That means another 2 weeks off work. I’m not sure my employer will be delighted to hear about these plans.

My daughter also told me that she’s planning to move in with her bestfriend and his family. I felt an undeniable sadness thinking that she will not be living with me and be living with another family. Yes, yes, she’s 21 but it’s not like she’s moving in to her own place. Sigh. 

After work, I deposited my paycheck and went to the grocery store to get something I can cook for dinner. I haven’t gone to the pantry day at my community center to get our monthly ration of groceries etc. I used my tips earned today to pay for my ingredients. I even bought me a pound of cherries. That kinda made me feel good despite the diarrhea that followed after I snacked on them while watching Jeopardy! 

So, I have a few hundred dollars in cash that I’m thinking I shouldn’t deposit because it will show as an income when I have to show bank statements to someone who will see how much I make. I really don’t make enough but I don’t want anyone touching something I earned through tips. I don’t know why. It’s reassuring to have cash on hand during these times.

My therapist always tells me about mindfulness and meditation. The reason I don’t practice meditation is because it’s so difficult to concentrate. I know it’s totally simple but I feel like there are better things I should be doing ??? (Like sit on my ass and think of my miserable situation). 

I don’t know if this slow feeling and feelings of disinterest is due to the Zoloft. It’s my 6th day taking it today and it should be starting to work. I know my energy will pick up once the medication builds in my bloodstream. 

Oh joy.


“Although I don’t disapprove of you taking Xanax and Ativan, those are just temporary fixes for your condition…”

Of course I was relieved. Anyone who will tell me I don’t need Xanax or should stop taking Xanax should try to be in my shoes when I’m having a surge of anxiety. They can take away and chug down all the Ativan in my bottle but don’t ever take my Xanax from me. Just the mere thought of not having Xanax nearby gives me awake nightmares. 

The nightmares I get asleep ? They’re vivid and somewhat unexplainable. In them I’m scared and always seem to be haunted and hunted by something I can’t even see. One time, my dream had me running next to a cliff but the bottom of the cliff I couldn’t see and yet I was falling and being chased by something I didn’t even know. At other times (and this is what’s really made me often fear falling asleep), is my ex-husband finding me and my little kids while we try to get away from him. The mere fact that I’m putting this out here made me take a few deep breaths. My ex-husband is a big factor of why I’m like this now…and my nightmares involve him and him taking my kids away from me that stopping him will make him hit me again and my children.

My daughter is now 21 and my son 19. I tell them about these dreams and they sympathize with me. There were nights I felt like I was one of those kids in Nightmare on Elm Street where they wouldn’t like falling asleep because Freddy will surely appear and kill them in their sleep. Terrifying but it’s true. I don’t have Freddy Krueger in mine and I’m quite sure if he appeared in one of my dreams, I won’t be a bit stirred. I know he’s just a Dream character but in my dreams the people that show up are real and have played a part in my life.

After taking Seroquel , I haven’t had nightmares. So now, being a nurse for 16 years and teaching at the same time, I know that this drug is primarily for schizophrenia. I’m taking it for its sedative effects. Lord help me and keep me from lip-smacking and akathisia, specially in public! Good god. It’s helped me sleep soundly, I like that part. 

Tomorrow I’m meeting my therapist again. She’s a Russian woman whose accent makes it hard for me to concentrate on what she’s saying. She has a bit of a bad case of halitosis too. Should I mention that to the front desk ? 

It’s hard opening up to her…I get distracted by her thick accent and sometimes I feel like just trying to adjust to her. My psychiatrist, however, seemed genuinely compassionate and sympathetic. He asked questions that made m me just tell him all…but one. There’s one more thing I am not ready to share with anyone. Let alone here.

As long as I’m getting the new pills to help me. My little Secret I can maybe hold on my own.