It’s Not My Choice

Anxiety is not fun. It’s not a feeling I decide to have. It just happens and I cannot get rid of it. Sooooo many things in my head which I try to distract. Things I wish I still have, people I used to hang out with, having no one to hang out with, no one to talk to, the instability of my finances and my family relationships… I admit, I am emotionally unstable and my loneliness and anxiety aren’t a good mix. I don’t see my therapist every week anymore as I have been missing my appointments due to work. I just had my period so PMS is not to blame for this uneasiness. Is my Zoloft working???

Today, I paid my rent and all morning I have been taking deep breaths so I can be calm. The TV is off and my son is in his room. Could it be the strong coffee I drink every morning ? Then again, I don’t feel this way each time after I drink coffee. I feel an emptiness. My chest hurts and my back too. I’ve been meaning to blog and write about my day, my life experiences but I have been distracted.

I woke up this morning and walked my dog. The weather is slightly cool and there were neighbors outside also taking a walk. My anxiety began after I showered and couldn’t find one of my eyeliners. Yup, believe it or not, I think that THAT’S what triggered it. I feel overweight, I know I am overweight and cannot seem to do anything about it. My thoughts are running and I can’t focus on one thing. Isn’t it obvious ?

Am I going to suffer from this all the rest of my life ? I took half a Xanax 10 minutes ago. My chest is still heavy. No huge reason. I’m just anxious. I’m afraid that one day this anxiety may be too huge, I won’t be able to handle it and just end it all. Is this the Zoloft talking ? I know suicidal tendencies are possible when taking antidepressants.

The Xanax is taking a while to kick in. I had turned the TV on now and I decided not to check social media for a while. It also makes me a bit anxious. Also, I misplaced my Balenciaga sunglasses. They were worth $400+ back in the day. I may have left it at work OR dropped it in my car. I know the last time I wore them were when I was getting work done on my car.

My bra feels right around my chest. It’s not helping. Arrrrrgh.

Lots of things. Lots of things I think about and I can’t calm down. My mom, my sister, my kids, my niece and nephew. My retirement…

Was it the fucking coffee I had today?

I am getting bigger and bigger. Like fat. I am fat. I don’t feel attractive … I don’t know when to start losing weight. I want to run again but walking merely 2 miles the other day made my knees hurt. I have big fat legs and fat thighs.

Deep breathing. I should think about my blessings.

The Xanax is taking time.

I wanted to drive to Sephora today but I decided to stay home. I got my rent paid and my sister was texting me for a little bit complaining about our mother. Thinking about how it was this morning, I should’ve taken my medicine earlier. I didn’t see this attack coming and I have no control. It’s slightly terrifying. I really don’t want to have this happen over and over again.

There are days when I don’t take Xanax and realize I have been OK all day without it. Today is not one of them. I heard the news about Tiger Woods being arrested and they found Xanax and Vicodin in his system. BAD combination to be under when you plan to drive.

One day I will look back and read this post. I don’t want to go through this again. The feeling of uneasiness when you can’t tell why…

Maybe I should’ve taken a whole pill.

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