Slow Today

After 2 days off from work, I returned today and I felt an overwhelming feeling of slowness and disinterest in everyone at work. I did my best as always and did whatever my bosses asked me. As I began my day at work, I noticed that I was slightly sweaty after not really doing much. 

As for our clients, I know I could’ve been more cheery. I just have so many things going on in my head. 

“It doesn’t help me.” I kept reminding myself. My therapist and I keep talking about this during our sessions but it’s so fucking hard not to think…what else am I going to think about? The month is about to end. Although I know I can make the rent this month, it’s where to move after my lease ends that often distracts my good mood. The fact that I have a surgery scheduled this month also has been revving my nerves. How will I be able to work if I have a wound in my hand? My surgeon plans to do the carpal tunnel release in two weeks then put me on a 2-week off work. Then 6 weeks later, he will work on the left hand. That means another 2 weeks off work. I’m not sure my employer will be delighted to hear about these plans.

My daughter also told me that she’s planning to move in with her bestfriend and his family. I felt an undeniable sadness thinking that she will not be living with me and be living with another family. Yes, yes, she’s 21 but it’s not like she’s moving in to her own place. Sigh. 

After work, I deposited my paycheck and went to the grocery store to get something I can cook for dinner. I haven’t gone to the pantry day at my community center to get our monthly ration of groceries etc. I used my tips earned today to pay for my ingredients. I even bought me a pound of cherries. That kinda made me feel good despite the diarrhea that followed after I snacked on them while watching Jeopardy! 

So, I have a few hundred dollars in cash that I’m thinking I shouldn’t deposit because it will show as an income when I have to show bank statements to someone who will see how much I make. I really don’t make enough but I don’t want anyone touching something I earned through tips. I don’t know why. It’s reassuring to have cash on hand during these times.

My therapist always tells me about mindfulness and meditation. The reason I don’t practice meditation is because it’s so difficult to concentrate. I know it’s totally simple but I feel like there are better things I should be doing ??? (Like sit on my ass and think of my miserable situation). 

I don’t know if this slow feeling and feelings of disinterest is due to the Zoloft. It’s my 6th day taking it today and it should be starting to work. I know my energy will pick up once the medication builds in my bloodstream. 

Oh joy.

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