“Although I don’t disapprove of you taking Xanax and Ativan, those are just temporary fixes for your condition…”

Of course I was relieved. Anyone who will tell me I don’t need Xanax or should stop taking Xanax should try to be in my shoes when I’m having a surge of anxiety. They can take away and chug down all the Ativan in my bottle but don’t ever take my Xanax from me. Just the mere thought of not having Xanax nearby gives me awake nightmares. 

The nightmares I get asleep ? They’re vivid and somewhat unexplainable. In them I’m scared and always seem to be haunted and hunted by something I can’t even see. One time, my dream had me running next to a cliff but the bottom of the cliff I couldn’t see and yet I was falling and being chased by something I didn’t even know. At other times (and this is what’s really made me often fear falling asleep), is my ex-husband finding me and my little kids while we try to get away from him. The mere fact that I’m putting this out here made me take a few deep breaths. My ex-husband is a big factor of why I’m like this now…and my nightmares involve him and him taking my kids away from me that stopping him will make him hit me again and my children.

My daughter is now 21 and my son 19. I tell them about these dreams and they sympathize with me. There were nights I felt like I was one of those kids in Nightmare on Elm Street where they wouldn’t like falling asleep because Freddy will surely appear and kill them in their sleep. Terrifying but it’s true. I don’t have Freddy Krueger in mine and I’m quite sure if he appeared in one of my dreams, I won’t be a bit stirred. I know he’s just a Dream character but in my dreams the people that show up are real and have played a part in my life.

After taking Seroquel , I haven’t had nightmares. So now, being a nurse for 16 years and teaching at the same time, I know that this drug is primarily for schizophrenia. I’m taking it for its sedative effects. Lord help me and keep me from lip-smacking and akathisia, specially in public! Good god. It’s helped me sleep soundly, I like that part. 

Tomorrow I’m meeting my therapist again. She’s a Russian woman whose accent makes it hard for me to concentrate on what she’s saying. She has a bit of a bad case of halitosis too. Should I mention that to the front desk ? 

It’s hard opening up to her…I get distracted by her thick accent and sometimes I feel like just trying to adjust to her. My psychiatrist, however, seemed genuinely compassionate and sympathetic. He asked questions that made m me just tell him all…but one. There’s one more thing I am not ready to share with anyone. Let alone here.

As long as I’m getting the new pills to help me. My little Secret I can maybe hold on my own.


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