My 10-year old pooch has a gangrenous wound on his left hind leg. All throughout the morning I was running up and down the stairs in my apartment  looking for a way to get the hydrogen peroxide on his wound. It is smelly as fuck and I’m quite guilty because ever since I adopted my three cats, the poor doggy got neglected.

“The cone around his head is too small.” I told my 19-year-old son. “I’m going back to PetSmart and exchange it…again.” I climb upstairs again to shower. All morning I have been unable to focus. My mind raced like it’s being chased by a rabid squirrel.

I know !

My 21-year-old daughter may have gotten peed off that I kept fidgeting that why she climbed back to bed after finishing her bowl of cereal.

Also, it’s the second day that I’m off from work and I felt like I better do something productive like pack more stuff in the boxes in the living room. My family and I are looking for another place as my rent is no longer affordable. My landlord already issued me an eviction notice. All I’ve done today was do a Jeopardy! marathon with my daughter…then she went up to her room.

It’s a struggle. My cats and my dog haven’t been able to get rid of fleas. Since he’s been biting on his leg to scratch it, the skin came off a patch from the lower leg and now my dog has a stinky wound. The cats are 1,3 and 7. Their fleas are 4-months old.

I don’t think the clutter in my living room brought about by the boxes I’ve been bringing home from work helps with my agitation. It makes me feel cramped and just in a total mess.

Then as I climbed up the stairs one more time to get my shower going , I realized I haven’t taken my Xanax. The coffee I made this morning – has kicked in and I am all the more apprehensive. My heart started feeling like it’s being chased by a rabid squirrel. So I told myself to take a deep breath and darted to my bedroom to grab my bottle of pills from my work purse. As fast as I can, without pouring all the contents on my hand and dropping some on the floor, chugged one 1 mg pill.

“This is horrible.” I thought to myself. “This explains why I had those dreams last night. I switched up from my daily Xanax to that worthless Ativan my primary MD insisted I take instead. I was off yesterday and thought maybe I take Ativan since I wasn’t working. I took 1 0.5 mg in the morning and another one in the afternoon. My old doctor gives me Xanax. He’s seen me in my worse – tears, shot, sobs…. and I couldn’t care less if I take Xanax all the rest of my life. This feeling of near panic and not being able to control myself will eventually cause me more issues in my life I believe am not ready to deal with. At a point, someone at work or my neighborhood will get into my nerves and I might just yell expletives at them. I will either be fired from my 2-month old job or arrested for public disturbance.

Worrying about my dog doesn’t help. Guilt doesn’t help. Not being able to find my fucking hair brush doesn’t help. I took more breaths stepping out of my house and wrote as I walked to my old van.

As I drove out of my parking space, my nerves started to calm down.




My stomach is churning right now and I wonder if this could be anxiety caused by the strong matcha drink I had for lunch. It’s 7:30 pm and I am surely feeling the unwanted uneasy feeling.

Today I saw my psychiatrist and he changed my sleeping pill to trazodone. I saw my therapist yesterday and there were so many things we talked about : my nightmares, the man I’m dating and Work.

So, the man I’m dating – Rob – he’s a little of a puzzle or riddle. He’s awfully loving and funny BUT I can’t seem to absolutely get myself to trust him. He has a history of infidelity (and so do I) and getting tired of the women he dates. I’m quite sure the reason I’m anxious right now is because he’s out having dinner with his bosses who are married to each other. While driving to my MD today after work, he told me that he was going to have dinner with them. I asked him “how come you never ask me to join you when you have dinner with them?”. He told me that it was because they mainly talk about work. I was being passive-aggressive which I hate about myself when I’m dating someone and it gets serious. I didn’t feel good that he was telling me on a short notice that he was going out to dinner with his boss. I felt almost the same way when he told me the same a few weeks ago. Somehow I have this feeling that he’s testing the water and goes out with other women and if he meets someone he thinks is better than me in the long run, he will dump me. He’s done that before, went out with someone while he was in a serious relationship with this wild girl from Marin. It is very possible. I sent him a text asking about how dinner is and he has not replied. He tells me that he usually doesn’t take his phone out when he’s out to dinner with his boss. His boss and the boss’ wife are like his BFFs, I somehow don’t believe that he won’t bring his phone out while dining with them.

Deep breaths, self. Deep breaths. I’m going to take my Xanax now. It’s horrible. Maybe I shouldn’t be in relationships. The first ever time I needed to take Xanax was while in a relationship. Terrible.

So this is my note to self: don’t rely on this relationship so much and focus on me. Why do I care so much about this new guy when I have so many other things to pay attention to ? I WAS DOING FINE BEFORE I MET HIM. Before I started dating him, I was having financial struggles but I was not this anxious – I would be anxious when I knew my bottle of Xanax is running out. Restlessness would be caused by letters from credit card companies or joblessness. Those are all done and I have a job that may not be sustaining me, but it has never given me this chest tightness.

By the way, he smokes weed … to my dismay. I thought I was done and found a man whose only vice were wine and putting bets.

So I just called his phone and it went to voicemail. It’s odd how one would not answer a phone call when you’re out to dinner with colleagues and they are supposed to know he’s dating someone. Is that rude ? It’s not like they’re having a business dinner. My palms are sweaty and I already took one whole pill.

Called him again and still didn’t pick up. He sent a text “I’m doing fine – we’re almost finished” that’s that. I sent him a response asking him “you can’t answer my call either baby?”.

No reply. I’m convinced. He’s out on a date and I won’t even press on that suspicion. I know I sound like a psycho GF but I AM A PSYCHO , cry. Why am I like this ??? I want this to end already and be done with this bullshit. Anxiety isn’t helping me and it is making me more and more sick. Dear God, I pray for peace of mind and clarity. I pray for ability to focus on what is important and enjoy the moment. Please take this anxiety away from my life as I am tired of it. I pray, I pray, I pray that You hear me, Lord.

This is terrible. I hate being anxious.

The Trigger

When I can’t even get the proper spelling to the title of my blog, something must not be right. All day since this morning I have had awful chest heaviness, rapid heart beats and just very restless.

Anxiety attack at its finest and it hasn’t happened to me in a good several weeks. The trigger ? It started when my boyfriend who planned to go to the gym tonight sends me a text in the morning about him going to dinner with his boss. Typically, I would be cool with stuff like change of plans. No big deal. Today though, after reading his text, I began to have chest pain and my stomach was tumbling. It felt like I was going to throw up but able to enjoy my cookies and cream hazelnut sandwich and coffee.

Let me backup a little and mention how yesterday went for me. My therapist saw me and I told her about this new boyfriend and that he’s mentioned about helping me in some way with my financial struggle. The session went well but that night, my boyfriend asked how my therapy went and I started to cry. We started having a conversation where I told him I wanted to still be able to hold my own but it’s now February and in 4 months ,my lease will be up and for sure my rent will go up. All the memories about last year and the possibility of being homeless again came raining on me. I became very upset and boyfriend came to hug me and tell me that he won’t let me be in that situation. I felt very pathetic … something I haven’t felt in a long time after I started taking Xanax again. So eventually I calmed down and things went back to “normal”.

This morning was worse. He told me he was having dinner with his boss. That triggered a full blast -almost close to panic – attack. I replied to his text with a short and anxious, “OK.” Then played with my cat. Finished my breakfast and swallowed a whole Xanax. He calls me right as I was about to head out of the house and I almost started balling again.

My day at work went well. The Xanax helped a lot and now I realize that I missed taking my Zoloft because I had to answer his call.

When I got home from work, I ate my lunch and decided to take a nap. It must have been the Xanax. I called boyfriend after work as he asked me and I told him I was feeling better. So I took a nap. Woke up at 6:15 pm, walked my dog with another huge anxiety attack. Disgusting! Super hate it. Chest pain, hard to breathe. I sent a message to my sister this morning telling her about this anxiety and that I suspected it might be PMS. I saw her text later on that evening, this evening, and she is positive it is PMS.

Nonetheless, I took another full Xanax because it’s unbearable. Chest pain and that restlessness is not something I really want to experience. I suspected earlier this morning that my anxiety may have been triggered by the nightmare about my ex-husband last night. That is totally not true because I’ve had nightmares about him in the past and it never gave me anxiety the next day I woke up.

It is PMS. I am PMSing and what boyfriend told me this morning triggered what could have been avoided. It is not his fault, it’s just how this annoying and crazy issue I have is. I already have anxiety and then when I have PMS in a trigger, it’s like all hell hoa broken loose.

I prayed and prayed that God would help ease out this anxiety. I am typing this blog, I spell and experiencing a lot of the anxiety. Boyfriend give me a call already and I was a bit of a prick talking to him but I apologized and told him that it is PMS.

I am thankful that the boyfriend is supportive and understanding. I don’t want to push him to the limit where he will decide that I’m just too much of a case. A nut case.

Organ Fail

For the past month or so, I’ve been a “frequent flyer” in the ER. First was my severe abdominal pain then my elevated liver enzymes. Before the year ended, I already knew I had gall stones, kidney stones, a pelvic bone that is slightly off, liver cyst and a kidney cyst on the left. I thought to myself then, well, at least it’s not a tumor.

Or maybe it is ? They are ?

My second visit to the ER was 5 days ago. I woke up with very high fever, rapid heart beat and my BP was definitely low. Being the person that I am and having gone through septic shock almost 16 months ago, I immediately took some Tylenol and drove to the ER with Rob. Good thing I was spending the night at his place.

Could it be possible he gave me the fever ? I doubt it. We drank wine the night before and he made me a Bloody Mary. It was my first time drinking that cocktail and I must say, my liver may have liked it too much.

The normal AST/ALT (liver enzymes) are 7-40. Mine was a whopping 700+. My lymphocytes were also a bit low and that might explain why I was febrile. At the time I also had this huge headache that didn’t make it easier. Then my belly started aching a little. In the ER a CT and ultrasound were done with the blood work. The ER doctor who looked like he could be my son said that everything seemed normal except for my liver enzymes. He hands me a copy of the CT and US reports . Same thing – my body is filled with stones. I wonder if the stones are at least gold or silver. NOW THAT will be the day.

Not knowing or having an answer to what’s going on in my body PLUS being told that they can’t do anything for me at the time isn’t the way I wanted to start my 2018. What the heck, I’ll take them as they come. I have definitely been through worse.

That’s kind of what I usually tell myself when I’m faced with some potential tragedy. “I’ve been through worse.”

Then again, what’s worse than all your organs failing ???

A Month

It’s been a month since I started dating again. This man, Rob, has been nothing but absolutely wonderful and delightful to me. I cannot complain about the amount of time we spent together and the amount of attention that he gives me. It’s a very pleasant experience.

Today, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning next to him having a fever. I got out of bed and woke him up so we could check my vital signs. Apparently, my heart rate is racing and my blood pressure was going down. I have gone through this before and I almost didn’t make it. He couldn’t find his thermometer so we couldn’t really figure out what my real exact temperature was so I just asked him to drive me to the emergency room. It was 4:30 in the morning and he has to work that day too. I got discharged from the emergency room today and he went back to work. I stayed home and just left to drop off some packages that I have sold. I totally forgot that it is Martin Luther King Day and that the post office might be closed. I was not able to drop off one of the packages because it does not fit the chute.

One of the weird things that happened today was, after coming home from the emergency room, I went to bed and tried to catch up on sleep. I had one of the weirdest and anxiety-provoking dreams. Let’s just say that I dreamt about something that I would not want to happen and something that I really am scared about. I had about three dreams and only two of them I can remember. The first one was about an earthquake which did not stop all through a dream. In my dream, I was in the first floor of the house and the rest of my family was upstairs. This dream was located in my old childhood house. Both of my grandparents were in this dream when so was my brother. When it started to rattle, I ran upstairs grabbed my purse and yelled at my brother to take my grandparents down so we could leave. I looked around and saw my three cats sleeping soundly as if not feeling the earthquake. It was such a bad time as I was trying to make a decision of which cat to take with me. I would never want to be in a position where I will have to pick one from my three cats to save. I feel like it would kill me knowing that two or even one of my cats will be left to die.

Eventually I dreamt again. This time it was about the man I’m dating right now. In this dream, I was aware that I just came back from the emergency room and I was at home resting. I was aware that he went to work late. In this dream I tried to give him a call and it seems like each and every call that I made got dropped. It was 7:30 at night in my dream and he was still at work. He didn’t sound very amused or accommodating of my phone calls. He was even seemingly ignoring me because at one point, when I got to call again, his daughter pick up the phone and asked ” my dad wants to know if there’s anything else that you want to tell him” , and I replied to her that I did. The man I’m dating right now does not have children. In my dream he has a daughter and I knew about it. As soon as his daughter handed him the phone, it felt like he hung up. In my dream, I began to feel very anxious. It gave me the feeling that I was annoying and being very clingy to the guy I was dating and he was trying his best to dodge me. I am very in love with the guy I’m dating right now. And he is very much in love with me as well. I trust him and having a dream just like the one I had about him made me very anxious in my dream that I had to control myself and even took 2 half a pill of Xanax just to calm myself down. Why do half a pill you may ask? Well, in my dream I took 1/2 of Xanax and later on forgot that I already took one. So I took another 1/2 tablet. It didn’t work right away and in my dream I was doing my best to reassure myself that I was doing fine before I met him. I was already getting myself used to the fact that I may never see him again or talk to him again. It was such a devastating feeling. in my dream, I even resorted to thinking about just crocheting and crocheting so I would not think about him. It was exactly what my therapist said so that I would not worry so much about this new romance that I have. I told her that I am scared that I might drive him away.

I woke up and I have never been so glad that what I just went through wasn’t true. what I did was, I dialed his number right away and my cell phone and left him a text message. He eventually called me about half an hour later and I told him about my dream. I told him about the other dream as well. He agreed that it was a terrible dream and we laughed at the fact that he had a daughter in my dream.

Is January the 15th. Or is it the 16th? I forget my days nowadays. I have also been quite forgetful. Somehow I believe that this is the effect of the Seroquel. We have been dating for exactly a month. Time did pass very quick.

when I go back to see my therapist on Thursday, I will tell her about my nightmares. There is one more thing that I want to tell her that I’m really scared to confess. I’m also scared to confess it here because I am afraid that Rob might find my blog as I have told him about my WordPress account but never told him what my username is. I read to him some of my entries and he never insisted on me reading him everything. I told him about the title of my blog page and I told him it’s pretty depressing.

He already has spent the night over at my place. It was very uncomfortable for me since I I’m so used to sleeping on my bed by myself and he is a pretty big dude. I woke up the next morning after he spent the night here and my neck was so sore.

To be honest, I really want to focus on myself and my livelihood at this point. I enjoy his company and I feel really good next to him. Is it okay that I feel that I should not get too attached for the fear of losing him? Somehow, I feel like the things that he has told me about his love for me he has told the other girls that he has dated after his divorce. is it unfair for me to think that? I really should not be focusing on this new relationship right now but I do want it to be it.

So help me God.

A New Rob

In 2010, I got involved with this man named Rob. We casually dated and mostly met each other for sex. He seem to have been very attracted to me. However, I may have been so attracted to him but never really told him what my plans were and we never really talked about our future. Eventually, after a few years of seeing each other on and off, he got engaged to his girlfriend who became his girlfriend after I took a break from him because of a new relationship. This one ended really badly. He communicated with me all the way through after they married each other. When I went through what I went through with my career, I had no more money and since this Rob has always told me that he wants to always make sure that I’m okay, I asked him to help me pay my rent. Right after that I never heard from him again. It must have been over a year now since we last communicated. I haven’t seen him and he hasn’t seen me. I know from time to time that he visits my social media.

So that is that with my first Rob. After he got married, I saw some pictures of their wedding and somehow my attraction to him just faded away. I moved on and decided that since I am going through this difficulty in my life, this depression, anxiety, that I should just focus on myself and the last thing that I needed was to get involved in another relationship. There are still a few men that drop a few hints here and there wanting to see me or spend time with me. I’m very sure that the Zoloft is helping me not fall into these guys invitations. So I’ve been working a lot and even working for some people who ask me to cover for them. My son even works with me now at the restaurant. There, every so often, an older gentleman stays at the bar and drinks wine and has dinner sometimes. My manager, or one of them, often talks to him and chat with him. Alyssa, one of the manager who still talks to this gentleman told me that that was Rob, and she calls him sugar daddy. She never explained why and I never really asked. From time to time I would help at the bar and he would be there. I never and my least or wildest thought that he had the hots for me. Since Alyssa was very friendly with him, I would say hello from time to time he would be there. He would often tell me that he likes what I do with my hair Etc. We have had conversations so many times although brief, but I would never have thought that he likes me. He’s a tall gentleman Maybe over 6 feet tall. He has receding hair and a well-trimmed facial hair. Whenever he speaks it’s very soft and he sounds like he is on Xanax or something. He is very calm when he talks. That made me feel more even comfortable talking to him. I was not attracted to him at all.

Fast forward to a few weeks or maybe a few months even, he would call me to or he is sometimes and ask me how my day is going. He will compliment my hair or compliment my clothes. I was so clueless until one night he asked me to give him my phone number because he wants to tell me something. Just to be safe, I made sure I clocked out for the night before I gave him my number. He gave me his number and I called him. Apparently one of the servers saw us exchange numbers. She went to Alissa right away and told her about it. Later that night, Rob and I spoke on the phone. He told me that he wanted to see if he can take me out to dinner. I told him sure, since he is a nice guy. I said I did not want to assume that his intentions were of the romantic kind. Who knows?

So I got ready at week to see him. he came by the house to pick me up and brought me to this really nice restaurant and we drank wine. he has a sense of humor this guy. He also listens when I’m talking and seems very polite and kind. we exchanged a few stories about our lives. We went home he took me back home, the next weekend came by my restaurant just to see me in for a little bit before he goes out with his friends. His house is just right across from where I work. At that time I had already arranged to hang out that Sunday. I’m going to fast forward and go to the part where we were hanging out in his house. We watched a movie which is Kingsman the Golden Circle and we both laughed and commented and cussed at the movie. Prior to that though, we had dinner which was a take out from a Thai restaurant. He came close to me and gave me a kiss on the lips which I reciprocated.

THAT, I believe is one that did it. We had sparks flying and before the year ended, we are a couple. It’s good to know he SEEMS to accept me and the things I told him regarding the psychiatrist and therapy I’ve been going to.

Another Rob but totally different. He has so far treated me well and went shopping with me. He likes to place bets on football/basketball games and he calls me his lucky charm. Is it normal that I feel a bit scared ? That I’m very guarded about this man? He even calls his bedroom “Our Bedroom”. Isn’t that sweet ?

Since this is a new relationship and I REALLY want to keep this one going, I know I have to be careful with myself and my behavior. He knows a lot about me BUT I have not told him everything that are pretty significant about me. I am afraid he will step back.


It’s a new year and I finished the last with a new romance. Before Christmas , he asked me for my number after I clocked out from work . We went out and somehow clicked right away. After the second date where we watched a movie at his place – which is a pretty upscale apartment by the way – we became a couple. Sadly, he left to see his family (pre-planned) for Christmas and was back in time for new year.

So I told him that I take medications for anxiety and PTSD. He didn’t seem to consider that a big deal. He’s a 57-year-old biochemist who works as a VP for operations for a medical supply company . He’s very chill, I can almost swear he’s taking Xanax too. Looking at his Instagram – his last GF seems to have just been last autumn – and this was with a girl who lived in the same apartment as he does.

Why do I not trust this man despite him seemingly honest ? I think after talking about the reason we broke up with our exes, I figured he easily falls out of love . So far he has a list of things he wants to do with me. He slouches a bit and he’s 6’2, balding hair and has a goatee. So, he has issues with impotence which I was quite not surprised about because of his age – and he takes lisinopril whose side effect can be the inability to sustain an erection. Really no big deal with me – my Zoloft keeps my libido as low as can be. I just like his company and he does have a sense of humor.

Right now, I sent him a message and he has this iPhone feature that sends read receipts . He hasn’t read my last text in 20 minutes. Deep inside me, a lot of unhealthy thoughts chime in: is he at the restaurant and flirting with this one manager I have who calls him sugar daddy ? Is it possible that his neighbor ex is with him ? Is he online dating? I’ve definitely lost it. When I got involved with him, I was afraid of these feelings. He says he loves me so much and he’s falling hard for me . AGAIN, that made me think he tells all the girls he dates that anyway …. I can’t seem to accept that men can be really genuinely open and honest with how they feel. I want to trust this man and feel comfortable when he’s not with me. I took a whole Xanax today and I might need another to sleep.

This is what’s going on and I hope I learn to just calm down and take this new romance one day at a time.

It’s Not My Choice

Anxiety is not fun. It’s not a feeling I decide to have. It just happens and I cannot get rid of it. Sooooo many things in my head which I try to distract. Things I wish I still have, people I used to hang out with, having no one to hang out with, no one to talk to, the instability of my finances and my family relationships… I admit, I am emotionally unstable and my loneliness and anxiety aren’t a good mix. I don’t see my therapist every week anymore as I have been missing my appointments due to work. I just had my period so PMS is not to blame for this uneasiness. Is my Zoloft working???

Today, I paid my rent and all morning I have been taking deep breaths so I can be calm. The TV is off and my son is in his room. Could it be the strong coffee I drink every morning ? Then again, I don’t feel this way each time after I drink coffee. I feel an emptiness. My chest hurts and my back too. I’ve been meaning to blog and write about my day, my life experiences but I have been distracted.

I woke up this morning and walked my dog. The weather is slightly cool and there were neighbors outside also taking a walk. My anxiety began after I showered and couldn’t find one of my eyeliners. Yup, believe it or not, I think that THAT’S what triggered it. I feel overweight, I know I am overweight and cannot seem to do anything about it. My thoughts are running and I can’t focus on one thing. Isn’t it obvious ?

Am I going to suffer from this all the rest of my life ? I took half a Xanax 10 minutes ago. My chest is still heavy. No huge reason. I’m just anxious. I’m afraid that one day this anxiety may be too huge, I won’t be able to handle it and just end it all. Is this the Zoloft talking ? I know suicidal tendencies are possible when taking antidepressants.

The Xanax is taking a while to kick in. I had turned the TV on now and I decided not to check social media for a while. It also makes me a bit anxious. Also, I misplaced my Balenciaga sunglasses. They were worth $400+ back in the day. I may have left it at work OR dropped it in my car. I know the last time I wore them were when I was getting work done on my car.

My bra feels right around my chest. It’s not helping. Arrrrrgh.

Lots of things. Lots of things I think about and I can’t calm down. My mom, my sister, my kids, my niece and nephew. My retirement…

Was it the fucking coffee I had today?

I am getting bigger and bigger. Like fat. I am fat. I don’t feel attractive … I don’t know when to start losing weight. I want to run again but walking merely 2 miles the other day made my knees hurt. I have big fat legs and fat thighs.

Deep breathing. I should think about my blessings.

The Xanax is taking time.

I wanted to drive to Sephora today but I decided to stay home. I got my rent paid and my sister was texting me for a little bit complaining about our mother. Thinking about how it was this morning, I should’ve taken my medicine earlier. I didn’t see this attack coming and I have no control. It’s slightly terrifying. I really don’t want to have this happen over and over again.

There are days when I don’t take Xanax and realize I have been OK all day without it. Today is not one of them. I heard the news about Tiger Woods being arrested and they found Xanax and Vicodin in his system. BAD combination to be under when you plan to drive.

One day I will look back and read this post. I don’t want to go through this again. The feeling of uneasiness when you can’t tell why…

Maybe I should’ve taken a whole pill.

My Poor Car

There’s a steady wet spot under my car’s engine region. Last night when I was driving to work, my engine temp gauge pointed waaaaay to “H”. I prayed and prayed that I won’t get to an overheat along the freeway.

I prayed not to overheat at all.

My son and I made it home after this same scenario. Immediately I watched videos on YouTube about how to change my coolant or replace it. Thank God I took my Blue Pill around 4pm and it was still in effect around the time I was watching and all the the way till bedtime.

Believe it or not, I was convinced about replacing my coolant and motor oil that I purchased both from Amazon using their same-day delivery. I was so determined, AS IF I’ve done it before. Honestly, I didn’t even know my poor car had so much going on. None of the auto repair shops near me were open today, Sunday. However, this morning, one of the girls in the restaurant sent me a message asking me to work for her. Considering she’s Vietnamese (so racist, it’s OK, judge me), I asked if she knew about auto mechanics that may be open today.

So here I am at the oil changers about 1.8 miles away from my house. A mile before reaching the destination, I saw another oil change place that was open and had not a lot of cars. I ALMOST jumped on going there instead but I was on the turn lane. The oil changer I went to is packed. One of the staff pulled the hood latch and the hood wouldn’t open. I got a bit nervous.

Mind you, I took my Blue Pill before coming here. I didn’t want anything to jeopardize this day in case I was in for more than I thought.

So, my car hood won’t open and more and more cars were driving in. I decided to head for the waiting room and luckily they have free WiFi. The lady in the desk keeps looking at me. A few minutes later, a stocky-looking mechanic announced my car and I went outside to talk to him about what I needed done. His eyes were on my chest and kept looking at them. “Your perfume smells nice.”, he commented.

“Thanks. It’s called Lime and Coriander.” He glanced over at my chest again.

Do they really look THAT BIG?

I had to ask myself. Having been used to staring at flat-chested women , my chest might actually be huge. I wear a 34G bra. So there.

My service yielded to more or less $80. Let’s see how it goes. My front headlight also need replacing so after everything gets fixed, I will have both lights working.

As now, I am waiting here trying to remain inconspicuous. I’m staring down on my phone although I’m aware of the other people’s eyes glancing at my chest. I am wearing a multicolor striped shirt with 3/4 sleeves and my sport shorts. Merrell sandals and my Vera Bradley second-hand purse.

When this gets done, I will be very happy. I guess I will just have to get used to having people check my chest before talking to me.

Meanwhile, the baseball game for the 49ers is showing on the TV here at the waiting area. Everyone even the kids (who brings their kids to the oil changers???) .

These Are Not New

Back in the day when I was still earning six figures, I was able to afford a hefty number of designer purses, designer sunglasses and quite a few number of dresses. I had two jobs and one of them paid $150 an hour while the other one – my full-time job back then, paid me $68 an hour. Every time I would get my paycheck on my part-time job, I would look at the Louis Vuitton website and check out the newest season purses. After a few years, I was able to possess about 10 Louis Vuitton purses, a Burberry handbag, Gucci Bowler Boston bag and about six pairs of designer sunglasses like Gucci, Prada, Balenciaga, Dolce & Gabbana, and Christian Dior.

When my unfortunate event happened, I sold about 5 of my Louis Vuitton bags for less than half price . When moving from my resort-style apartment to my cheaper apartment, I had to donate maybe 20 pairs of shoes, 20+ dresses, 100+ pairs of barely used Victoria’s Secret bras. There was no space for them in my new smaller apartment. I also donated plenty of costume jewelry and books.

Now, despite earning 75% less than what I used to earn, I can be seen wearing dresses and shoes that are pretty pricey in the market. They are all shoes and clothes though. I just take good care of my belongings pretty well that they don’t look as old as they really are. I still own some designer jewelry, $400 sunglasses and the rest of my Louis Vuitton purses are stashed away. It was bittersweet parting with my older Vuitton purses as they are a product of my work and on those times that I worked overtime. The money that came out of selling them helped me so much with rent and bills.

The reason I am writing about this is because, I get that head-to-toe look from my lady boss at work. Somehow I have a feeling that she must wonder how I could afford such beautiful dresses. She complements me often but gives me that look which is supposedly rude. You know what I’m talking about. One time, I wore a sleeveless dress which she said was very pretty and she told me that she is not allowed to wear clothes similar to mine because it will expose her tattoos. Over time, she stopped complementing me but would just look at me from head to toe when I announced to her that I have arrived at work. Her gaze is so pronounced that I always notice it. My boy boss looks at my chest area a lot when talking to me. I had my breasts enlarged 6 years ago. Now that I am 20 pounds heavier than six years ago, they look even bigger.

Lady boss is the one who does hourly selfies, if not every 30 minutes. She asked me the other day if I have Snapchat and I told her that I don’t. She asked me why I don’t have Snapchat and I told her that I just don’t have time for any more social media apps. That was a lie…but it’s true that I have enough social apps. Then she snapped a selfie of herself and posted it on Snapchat in front of me, in front of the restaurant.

Guests compliment me on my clothes all the time. I tell them, “Target circa 2012…” or something like that. Sometimes, I told say that I buy my clothes from Goodwill. Sometimes I tell them that my clothes are from Ross Dress for Less. One of the servers often times come to work with a Louis Vuitton Damier shoulder bag. The Other hostess brings in her Michael Kors handbag. I cannot see how a server can afford a $3,000 shoulder bag and bring it to work. I just figured that it must be a knock off. The other hostess’ Michael Kors bag is huge – it was pretty transparent that she was bringing it to work to show it off. What’s the point though? Bringing a genuine leather – supposedly – bag only to have it hidden under a dirty host stand for the whole time? If I were to bring my Burberry handbag, it might catch attention and I might get less tips. I can imagine them seeing that I brought in my Berkeley bag. I go to work using my Vera Bradley purses. Anyone tries to steal my bag, it will be easy to spot in the CCTV. Hahaha !

When it comes to jewelry, I don’t wear a lot when I go to work besides my pair of Swarovski pierced earrings. I would like to convey to my coworkers that I am thrifty and really need as much money as I’m able. One time, the other hostess told me my earrings were irregularly shaped. I told her, “it’s the cut.”. She told me that it glistens under the light. I told her it’s just a crystal.

I also stopped coloring my hair, so I have a lot of gray hair popping out of my roots. Somehow, my lady boss told me that it looks like I got myself an “ombré” or balyage. Hee! I told her that I just stopped coloring my hair because it saves me money. I also stop getting my nails done as compared to before where I would get them long in the nail salon and spend $50. I just stop doing that and paint my nails at home using my old nail polish bottles. Like I said, I take really good care of my shit even if it were just nail polish bottles. Every week, I would have a new color on my nails for without wasting gas and paying for the nails. I only spend on nail polish remover which is two dollars and cotton pads.

Even my make up is not new. Back in the day, I would shop at Sephora almost every day and get some new eyeshadow palette, several lipstick shades from one brand, perfume, liners, and plenty of face foundation and powder. Over time, I also accumulated quite a few skin care products that are considered luxurious. I sold quite a few of them last year and a few months ago to help with my finances. Say, Estee Lauder moisturizers and serums, La Mer, Hermes, YSL BB creams, etc. They in turn became sort of like investments.

So I may look like I stepped out of Neiman Marcus BUT this look isn’t coming from a new closet. There’s always a plus side to taking great care of your property even if it means it’s your underwear.

D Fib

It’s almost as real as the thought of peeing in bed and waking up with a full bladder.

Last night, I dreamt that I stabbed a man with a ballpoint pen in his torso. In my dream, I was with this group of people when all of a sudden this tall, I’ve-never-met-you-before guy starts to grope me. He unbuckled his belt and for some reason, he had a blue ballpoint pen in his hand (or was that his penis? 😅). The pointed end was pointed in his body and I pushed his hand and ultimately stabbed him on his left torso. I didn’t see him die or even pass out. Maybe I don’t recall that from my dream because the next thing I remember is telling my sister that I stabbed a man and that I will surely go to jail. In my dream, we went to a preliminary hearing and I didn’t have a lawyer. It’s tough trying to remember if I spoke at the hearing at all but I remember clearly that I told my sister that I think I should flee the country instead of going to jail. In my head I thought maybe escaping isn’t really a great idea because I didn’t want to leave the US. We eventually got to talk to a lawyer – one was my own lawyer and he looked like Sean Spicer – and another criminal law specialist who told me and my sister that for what I did, I will most probably be sentenced to 2 years on a “D Fib”. “D Fib??? What do you mean ‘D Fib’ ?” , I asked.

The female lawyer in explained that a “D Fib” is a defibrillator attached on one’s ankle. Believe it or not, I was believing all this in my dream. She said that I will be able to go to work and back home but if I try to go elsewhere, the defibrillator will deliver a shock. I imagined having an ankle bracelet and thought “well that’s not so bad for 2 years compared to being in jail…I guess.”. So I recall lightly that I asked the lady lawyer if she will represent me in court. However, I was still doubtful if I really will get the sentence she told me I will get. I was still hoping that I will not be found guilty at all. An ankle shock device didn’t seem fun.

When I woke up, it was around 2 AM. My bladder was full. I may have passed out last night and forgot to take my Zoloft and Seroquel. So I took both meds and turned on my TV and watched a little Forensic Files until I was sleepy again. I kept looking at the clock on top of my TV to make sure everything was OK at the strike of 3 AM. Hehe, I’m slightly freaked out by 3 in the morning. There have been incidences where some noises and odd things happened consistently at 3 AM back when I was still living in a house.

At around 10 past 3 AM, I turned off Forensic Files as I have surely seen these episodes before. This time, my oldest cat was meowing in the kitchen. I don’t recall having another dream after that. The next time I open my eyes, I thought it was already 1030AM. So I got out of bed and again, my bladder was full. After using the toilet, I look at the clock in my room again and it was barely 9 AM. What a freak show I felt.

An ankle bracelet defibrillator! Ha ! That would be the day.

In reality, I don’t even think I can have the capacity or capability to stab someone. Then again, one never knows unless one is in clear and present danger.

I swear my bladder is full again but I know it’s because of this giant cup of coffee I’ve been gulping since I woke up today. Alright, I should stop complaining about my bladder. It’s a blessing to be able to make urine. It means my kidneys are working.

My dreams though ! It’s not right. I don’t want to have my psychiatrist increase my dose of Seroquel because I’m having nightmares again. The next thing you know, I will be walking like a zombie and licking my lips in front of guests. No bueno.