First 

My 10-year old pooch has a gangrenous wound on his left hind leg. All throughout the morning I was running up and down the stairs in my apartment  looking for a way to get the hydrogen peroxide on his wound. It is smelly as fuck and I’m quite guilty because ever since I adopted my three cats, the poor doggy got neglected.

“The cone around his head is too small.” I told my 19-year-old son. “I’m going back to PetSmart and exchange it…again.” I climb upstairs again to shower. All morning I have been unable to focus. My mind raced like it’s being chased by a rabid squirrel.

I know !

My 21-year-old daughter may have gotten peed off that I kept fidgeting that why she climbed back to bed after finishing her bowl of cereal.

Also, it’s the second day that I’m off from work and I felt like I better do something productive like pack more stuff in the boxes in the living room. My family and I are looking for another place as my rent is no longer affordable. My landlord already issued me an eviction notice. All I’ve done today was do a Jeopardy! marathon with my daughter…then she went up to her room.

It’s a struggle. My cats and my dog haven’t been able to get rid of fleas. Since he’s been biting on his leg to scratch it, the skin came off a patch from the lower leg and now my dog has a stinky wound. The cats are 1,3 and 7. Their fleas are 4-months old.

I don’t think the clutter in my living room brought about by the boxes I’ve been bringing home from work helps with my agitation. It makes me feel cramped and just in a total mess.

Then as I climbed up the stairs one more time to get my shower going , I realized I haven’t taken my Xanax. The coffee I made this morning – has kicked in and I am all the more apprehensive. My heart started feeling like it’s being chased by a rabid squirrel. So I told myself to take a deep breath and darted to my bedroom to grab my bottle of pills from my work purse. As fast as I can, without pouring all the contents on my hand and dropping some on the floor, chugged one 1 mg pill.

“This is horrible.” I thought to myself. “This explains why I had those dreams last night. I switched up from my daily Xanax to that worthless Ativan my primary MD insisted I take instead. I was off yesterday and thought maybe I take Ativan since I wasn’t working. I took 1 0.5 mg in the morning and another one in the afternoon. My old doctor gives me Xanax. He’s seen me in my worse – tears, shot, sobs…. and I couldn’t care less if I take Xanax all the rest of my life. This feeling of near panic and not being able to control myself will eventually cause me more issues in my life I believe am not ready to deal with. At a point, someone at work or my neighborhood will get into my nerves and I might just yell expletives at them. I will either be fired from my 2-month old job or arrested for public disturbance.

Worrying about my dog doesn’t help. Guilt doesn’t help. Not being able to find my fucking hair brush doesn’t help. I took more breaths stepping out of my house and wrote as I walked to my old van.

As I drove out of my parking space, my nerves started to calm down.

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It’s Not My Choice

Anxiety is not fun. It’s not a feeling I decide to have. It just happens and I cannot get rid of it. Sooooo many things in my head which I try to distract. Things I wish I still have, people I used to hang out with, having no one to hang out with, no one to talk to, the instability of my finances and my family relationships… I admit, I am emotionally unstable and my loneliness and anxiety aren’t a good mix. I don’t see my therapist every week anymore as I have been missing my appointments due to work. I just had my period so PMS is not to blame for this uneasiness. Is my Zoloft working???

Today, I paid my rent and all morning I have been taking deep breaths so I can be calm. The TV is off and my son is in his room. Could it be the strong coffee I drink every morning ? Then again, I don’t feel this way each time after I drink coffee. I feel an emptiness. My chest hurts and my back too. I’ve been meaning to blog and write about my day, my life experiences but I have been distracted.

I woke up this morning and walked my dog. The weather is slightly cool and there were neighbors outside also taking a walk. My anxiety began after I showered and couldn’t find one of my eyeliners. Yup, believe it or not, I think that THAT’S what triggered it. I feel overweight, I know I am overweight and cannot seem to do anything about it. My thoughts are running and I can’t focus on one thing. Isn’t it obvious ?

Am I going to suffer from this all the rest of my life ? I took half a Xanax 10 minutes ago. My chest is still heavy. No huge reason. I’m just anxious. I’m afraid that one day this anxiety may be too huge, I won’t be able to handle it and just end it all. Is this the Zoloft talking ? I know suicidal tendencies are possible when taking antidepressants.

The Xanax is taking a while to kick in. I had turned the TV on now and I decided not to check social media for a while. It also makes me a bit anxious. Also, I misplaced my Balenciaga sunglasses. They were worth $400+ back in the day. I may have left it at work OR dropped it in my car. I know the last time I wore them were when I was getting work done on my car.

My bra feels right around my chest. It’s not helping. Arrrrrgh.

Lots of things. Lots of things I think about and I can’t calm down. My mom, my sister, my kids, my niece and nephew. My retirement…

Was it the fucking coffee I had today?

I am getting bigger and bigger. Like fat. I am fat. I don’t feel attractive … I don’t know when to start losing weight. I want to run again but walking merely 2 miles the other day made my knees hurt. I have big fat legs and fat thighs.

Deep breathing. I should think about my blessings.

The Xanax is taking time.

I wanted to drive to Sephora today but I decided to stay home. I got my rent paid and my sister was texting me for a little bit complaining about our mother. Thinking about how it was this morning, I should’ve taken my medicine earlier. I didn’t see this attack coming and I have no control. It’s slightly terrifying. I really don’t want to have this happen over and over again.

There are days when I don’t take Xanax and realize I have been OK all day without it. Today is not one of them. I heard the news about Tiger Woods being arrested and they found Xanax and Vicodin in his system. BAD combination to be under when you plan to drive.

One day I will look back and read this post. I don’t want to go through this again. The feeling of uneasiness when you can’t tell why…

Maybe I should’ve taken a whole pill.

My Poor Car

There’s a steady wet spot under my car’s engine region. Last night when I was driving to work, my engine temp gauge pointed waaaaay to “H”. I prayed and prayed that I won’t get to an overheat along the freeway.

I prayed not to overheat at all.

My son and I made it home after this same scenario. Immediately I watched videos on YouTube about how to change my coolant or replace it. Thank God I took my Blue Pill around 4pm and it was still in effect around the time I was watching and all the the way till bedtime.

Believe it or not, I was convinced about replacing my coolant and motor oil that I purchased both from Amazon using their same-day delivery. I was so determined, AS IF I’ve done it before. Honestly, I didn’t even know my poor car had so much going on. None of the auto repair shops near me were open today, Sunday. However, this morning, one of the girls in the restaurant sent me a message asking me to work for her. Considering she’s Vietnamese (so racist, it’s OK, judge me), I asked if she knew about auto mechanics that may be open today.

So here I am at the oil changers about 1.8 miles away from my house. A mile before reaching the destination, I saw another oil change place that was open and had not a lot of cars. I ALMOST jumped on going there instead but I was on the turn lane. The oil changer I went to is packed. One of the staff pulled the hood latch and the hood wouldn’t open. I got a bit nervous.

Mind you, I took my Blue Pill before coming here. I didn’t want anything to jeopardize this day in case I was in for more than I thought.

So, my car hood won’t open and more and more cars were driving in. I decided to head for the waiting room and luckily they have free WiFi. The lady in the desk keeps looking at me. A few minutes later, a stocky-looking mechanic announced my car and I went outside to talk to him about what I needed done. His eyes were on my chest and kept looking at them. “Your perfume smells nice.”, he commented.

“Thanks. It’s called Lime and Coriander.” He glanced over at my chest again.

Do they really look THAT BIG?

I had to ask myself. Having been used to staring at flat-chested women , my chest might actually be huge. I wear a 34G bra. So there.

My service yielded to more or less $80. Let’s see how it goes. My front headlight also need replacing so after everything gets fixed, I will have both lights working.

As now, I am waiting here trying to remain inconspicuous. I’m staring down on my phone although I’m aware of the other people’s eyes glancing at my chest. I am wearing a multicolor striped shirt with 3/4 sleeves and my sport shorts. Merrell sandals and my Vera Bradley second-hand purse.

When this gets done, I will be very happy. I guess I will just have to get used to having people check my chest before talking to me.

Meanwhile, the baseball game for the 49ers is showing on the TV here at the waiting area. Everyone even the kids (who brings their kids to the oil changers???) .

These Are Not New

Back in the day when I was still earning six figures, I was able to afford a hefty number of designer purses, designer sunglasses and quite a few number of dresses. I had two jobs and one of them paid $150 an hour while the other one – my full-time job back then, paid me $68 an hour. Every time I would get my paycheck on my part-time job, I would look at the Louis Vuitton website and check out the newest season purses. After a few years, I was able to possess about 10 Louis Vuitton purses, a Burberry handbag, Gucci Bowler Boston bag and about six pairs of designer sunglasses like Gucci, Prada, Balenciaga, Dolce & Gabbana, and Christian Dior.

When my unfortunate event happened, I sold about 5 of my Louis Vuitton bags for less than half price . When moving from my resort-style apartment to my cheaper apartment, I had to donate maybe 20 pairs of shoes, 20+ dresses, 100+ pairs of barely used Victoria’s Secret bras. There was no space for them in my new smaller apartment. I also donated plenty of costume jewelry and books.

Now, despite earning 75% less than what I used to earn, I can be seen wearing dresses and shoes that are pretty pricey in the market. They are all shoes and clothes though. I just take good care of my belongings pretty well that they don’t look as old as they really are. I still own some designer jewelry, $400 sunglasses and the rest of my Louis Vuitton purses are stashed away. It was bittersweet parting with my older Vuitton purses as they are a product of my work and on those times that I worked overtime. The money that came out of selling them helped me so much with rent and bills.

The reason I am writing about this is because, I get that head-to-toe look from my lady boss at work. Somehow I have a feeling that she must wonder how I could afford such beautiful dresses. She complements me often but gives me that look which is supposedly rude. You know what I’m talking about. One time, I wore a sleeveless dress which she said was very pretty and she told me that she is not allowed to wear clothes similar to mine because it will expose her tattoos. Over time, she stopped complementing me but would just look at me from head to toe when I announced to her that I have arrived at work. Her gaze is so pronounced that I always notice it. My boy boss looks at my chest area a lot when talking to me. I had my breasts enlarged 6 years ago. Now that I am 20 pounds heavier than six years ago, they look even bigger.

Lady boss is the one who does hourly selfies, if not every 30 minutes. She asked me the other day if I have Snapchat and I told her that I don’t. She asked me why I don’t have Snapchat and I told her that I just don’t have time for any more social media apps. That was a lie…but it’s true that I have enough social apps. Then she snapped a selfie of herself and posted it on Snapchat in front of me, in front of the restaurant.

Guests compliment me on my clothes all the time. I tell them, “Target circa 2012…” or something like that. Sometimes, I told say that I buy my clothes from Goodwill. Sometimes I tell them that my clothes are from Ross Dress for Less. One of the servers often times come to work with a Louis Vuitton Damier shoulder bag. The Other hostess brings in her Michael Kors handbag. I cannot see how a server can afford a $3,000 shoulder bag and bring it to work. I just figured that it must be a knock off. The other hostess’ Michael Kors bag is huge – it was pretty transparent that she was bringing it to work to show it off. What’s the point though? Bringing a genuine leather – supposedly – bag only to have it hidden under a dirty host stand for the whole time? If I were to bring my Burberry handbag, it might catch attention and I might get less tips. I can imagine them seeing that I brought in my Berkeley bag. I go to work using my Vera Bradley purses. Anyone tries to steal my bag, it will be easy to spot in the CCTV. Hahaha !

When it comes to jewelry, I don’t wear a lot when I go to work besides my pair of Swarovski pierced earrings. I would like to convey to my coworkers that I am thrifty and really need as much money as I’m able. One time, the other hostess told me my earrings were irregularly shaped. I told her, “it’s the cut.”. She told me that it glistens under the light. I told her it’s just a crystal.

I also stopped coloring my hair, so I have a lot of gray hair popping out of my roots. Somehow, my lady boss told me that it looks like I got myself an “ombré” or balyage. Hee! I told her that I just stopped coloring my hair because it saves me money. I also stop getting my nails done as compared to before where I would get them long in the nail salon and spend $50. I just stop doing that and paint my nails at home using my old nail polish bottles. Like I said, I take really good care of my shit even if it were just nail polish bottles. Every week, I would have a new color on my nails for without wasting gas and paying for the nails. I only spend on nail polish remover which is two dollars and cotton pads.

Even my make up is not new. Back in the day, I would shop at Sephora almost every day and get some new eyeshadow palette, several lipstick shades from one brand, perfume, liners, and plenty of face foundation and powder. Over time, I also accumulated quite a few skin care products that are considered luxurious. I sold quite a few of them last year and a few months ago to help with my finances. Say, Estee Lauder moisturizers and serums, La Mer, Hermes, YSL BB creams, etc. They in turn became sort of like investments.

So I may look like I stepped out of Neiman Marcus BUT this look isn’t coming from a new closet. There’s always a plus side to taking great care of your property even if it means it’s your underwear.

D Fib

It’s almost as real as the thought of peeing in bed and waking up with a full bladder.

Last night, I dreamt that I stabbed a man with a ballpoint pen in his torso. In my dream, I was with this group of people when all of a sudden this tall, I’ve-never-met-you-before guy starts to grope me. He unbuckled his belt and for some reason, he had a blue ballpoint pen in his hand (or was that his penis? 😅). The pointed end was pointed in his body and I pushed his hand and ultimately stabbed him on his left torso. I didn’t see him die or even pass out. Maybe I don’t recall that from my dream because the next thing I remember is telling my sister that I stabbed a man and that I will surely go to jail. In my dream, we went to a preliminary hearing and I didn’t have a lawyer. It’s tough trying to remember if I spoke at the hearing at all but I remember clearly that I told my sister that I think I should flee the country instead of going to jail. In my head I thought maybe escaping isn’t really a great idea because I didn’t want to leave the US. We eventually got to talk to a lawyer – one was my own lawyer and he looked like Sean Spicer – and another criminal law specialist who told me and my sister that for what I did, I will most probably be sentenced to 2 years on a “D Fib”. “D Fib??? What do you mean ‘D Fib’ ?” , I asked.

The female lawyer in explained that a “D Fib” is a defibrillator attached on one’s ankle. Believe it or not, I was believing all this in my dream. She said that I will be able to go to work and back home but if I try to go elsewhere, the defibrillator will deliver a shock. I imagined having an ankle bracelet and thought “well that’s not so bad for 2 years compared to being in jail…I guess.”. So I recall lightly that I asked the lady lawyer if she will represent me in court. However, I was still doubtful if I really will get the sentence she told me I will get. I was still hoping that I will not be found guilty at all. An ankle shock device didn’t seem fun.

When I woke up, it was around 2 AM. My bladder was full. I may have passed out last night and forgot to take my Zoloft and Seroquel. So I took both meds and turned on my TV and watched a little Forensic Files until I was sleepy again. I kept looking at the clock on top of my TV to make sure everything was OK at the strike of 3 AM. Hehe, I’m slightly freaked out by 3 in the morning. There have been incidences where some noises and odd things happened consistently at 3 AM back when I was still living in a house.

At around 10 past 3 AM, I turned off Forensic Files as I have surely seen these episodes before. This time, my oldest cat was meowing in the kitchen. I don’t recall having another dream after that. The next time I open my eyes, I thought it was already 1030AM. So I got out of bed and again, my bladder was full. After using the toilet, I look at the clock in my room again and it was barely 9 AM. What a freak show I felt.

An ankle bracelet defibrillator! Ha ! That would be the day.

In reality, I don’t even think I can have the capacity or capability to stab someone. Then again, one never knows unless one is in clear and present danger.

I swear my bladder is full again but I know it’s because of this giant cup of coffee I’ve been gulping since I woke up today. Alright, I should stop complaining about my bladder. It’s a blessing to be able to make urine. It means my kidneys are working.

My dreams though ! It’s not right. I don’t want to have my psychiatrist increase my dose of Seroquel because I’m having nightmares again. The next thing you know, I will be walking like a zombie and licking my lips in front of guests. No bueno.

Social Media

It is imperative at my work that we shouldn’t be using our phones during work. I think this is true with any employer. Back when I was at my old job, I used my cellphone a lot to communicate with our clients, so that’s different.

One of my bosses – the newest one – is addicted to Instagram, Snapchat and any other snap-and-share app. There is NOT a minute that she doesn’t have her fucking iPhone in front of her face. Everyone knows she isn’t doing work-related activities on her phone as she shows staff that she’s snap-chatting in the patio.

Can’t that fucking wait ? Do you really need to take selfies every fucking hour ? Geez. Lol

To be honest, the less I am on social media, the more productive I become during the day. One time, I walked my doggy and forgot my phone to bring with me. I got to pay attention to the leaves falling, the wind blowing on my face and the beautiful weather. Since then, I never bring my phone with me when I walk my dog.

One day, I saw this snappy-addict boss of mine in the patio and she admitted to Snap-chatting and that someone might catch her. Well, naturally, I warned to be careful. She knows it’s against work policy – whatever she’s doing. If there is anyone who is legitimately on the phone all day would be my main manager. I take phone calls for him all day. The other boss, boy boss, is rarely out with his cellphone. Girl boss will die if she loses her phone. Pathetic soul.

When fat bitch Kathy sees her, I wonder what she will say. One time she saw me punching stuff on my phone and she yelled “Jane, put that away!”. She apologized later that she may have been too harsh. In my head, I was telling her “no, you’re just annoying as fuck”. Heh.

I will write something about fat Kathy in another post as I’m running late for work.

Do You Remember ?

It’s the 21st night of September. My son and I were laughingly deliberating where Earth, Wind and Fire got that idea from. What’s with the 21st night of September in the 70s?

Back about a year ago, I didn’t have a job. A lot of firsts happened in my life after that. Well, first – was not having a job for the first time in my life since I started working. My savings that I have accumulated for almost 20 years was getting used for rent, food, car payments etc. Eventually, it got exhausted. Like I was broke. I was relying on my daughter’s salary and the mercy of my sister to get by. For the first time, I went to a community center and applied for “food stamps”…. it wasn’t necessarily a food stamp but it’s similar. The case manager gave me a calendar which had marks that correspond to schedules of when there’s free fresh veggies, pantry and food drive. It was the 17th of December when I finally got our first few bags of groceries, fruits, veggies and I even got to choose which gift I wanted from the displayed items. I have never been so touched. I went home with a new set of cookware, canned food, cake mix, bag of flour and sugar… and more.

When I lost my car from getting repossessed, I met an old man who offered to pay for a small car so I can drive out to my job applications. That old man wanted me to be his girlfriend, I know, that’s why he helped. I never felt anything and my mind was off to a lot of concerns for my family to even consider being in a relationship – despite knowing it may help me financially in the meantime, I didn’t want him to be that person in my life.

So I got very depressed. I went for very long walks and pretended on Facebook that I was fine. Well, I was – at the moment- but my head was tormented by thoughts of a future of homelessness. I don’t even remember how I was able to pay my phone and electric bills. I know that half of the time during the time that I was jobless, I was relying on my savings. After that, I believe it was just mainly helping my sister and my daughter. I went to social media every day but I did not give any ideas about my financial and home situation. There were a few people in my life besides my family knew about it but only a few.

We all know that I finally landed a job over a year after I left my last job. I also mentioned hear the wonderful news that my family and I were able to find a new place to stay in a new home. Living here for almost 3 months, all I’ve done was work, be home, run errands, and just stay home. My daughter from time to time spends night here with her boyfriend. Other than that she stays with her best friend’s family. So it’s just been me and my son. My dog, cats and the other living creatures that are around this neighborhood and I have been tending to.

In my past posts, I have whined about my bosses and may have complained here and there about the little things. Despite those, I was driving today from work and I was stuck in traffic. I made a reflection in my head about how far and how tough I had to go in order to be where I am now. I don’t spend much money eating out just like I used to do with my friends and family. I don’t buy new clothes or new shoes unless they’re for work.

Today is the first day of fall and it is definitely cold again. My wind chime keeps chiming often times during the night as well. All through this time, I have not gone hungry nor any of my family including my animals. Living away from my previous city, I haven’t had a chance to go back for free food and free groceries. Somehow, my family and I have been able to afford basic commodities and that has been really good. I also have been able to afford food for my animals and even get to feed my foster kittens with their mom outdoors. Yesterday, I received quite a hefty tip from a lady who ordered lunch for her coworkers. I decided to go to the thrift shop and get me and my son new throw blankets for the coming cold nights. The blankets came with matching throw pillows and it almost feels cashmere-like.

Living with my son, I am thankful for. The other night, I woke up and told my sister through text telling her that I dreamt that my ex-husband was trying to steal away my little baby just like what he did when one of my children were still young. In my dream, I felt the same fear that I felt over 20 years ago. When my son was about 10 months old, my crazy ex-husband grabbed him and left him in the middle of the street so that he could be run over. According to him, the baby was not his. Having learned about this absolutely tore me apart back then. There are plenty of things that haunt me up to this day that my ex-husband did. My life back then was difficult and miserable. It was worse than the feeling that I had I almost thought I was going to lose my home and that we were going to be hungry and homeless. After everything that my ex-husband did to me and to my children, I knew that there couldn’t be anything worse.

It has been over 15 years since me and my children have seen their father. Despite that, I still have nightmares and fears and this anxious feeling whenever I sense that someone is going to have a fight even if it did not involve me. I wish I didn’t have these nightmares anymore. After taking Seroquel for the first time, I had the biggest hopes that it had been cured. I thought that I would never dream about my ex-husband again.

Being in my age, the peace and ability to sustain myself and my children is enough for me. The thought that there are people around us, that genuinely care, fills me with content. Back in the day maybe 8 to 10 years ago, I was driving my dream car, living in a resort style apartment, going out almost every week with my coworkers, shop every after work, and eating out with my family might have seemed to be a sign that I have been successful. I was still feeling incomplete back then. I still felt like I had the biggest problem in the world. Money was still not enough and I was earning 6-digits annually.

Now, I sit in my little balcony with the wind in my face and the wind chime softly clanging in front of me, I breathe in and feel contented. I didn’t go to a cruise or flew on many trips to different tourist destinations. I am under a roof and my family is too. We don’t starve and my cupboards are filled with food (humans and animals alike). My fridge never runs out of milk and eggs. I’m always able to afford a loaf of bread.

We are safe. No one is attempting to take my children away not hurt them. My job doesn’t pay even half my previous salary but I love what I do and my main boss has been the best I have ever had.

I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I’m glad.

Pee ‘Em Ass

For the last 2 days, my head has been nagging me with aching pain. Normally, that signals that my period is just closing the ramp to my street.

I know, I know, why talk about my menstrual cycle ? Well I just get PMS that can be so bad, it can ruin my life and my relationship with people. Tonight I knew if I acted on my feelings, I wouldn’t have a job right now.

Again.

At work tonight, my boss – the young one who’s into Japanese cars, questioned a few of the decisions I made. He even accused me “constructively” that I was rude to one of the guests by telling or asking “you’re dining by yourself ?” What I really meant to say was “so I should not bring you to a big table”. Boy I wanted to tell my boss that I have never been accused of being rude but he’s been rude to his staff in more ways than one. Of course, humoring him, was going to be in my best interest. I also had – let’s call her – Kendra tonight who was supposed to run and get tables ready while I manned the stand. She had my position before and I’ve proven more than once what a big tattle-tale she is. This idiot just won’t help out with the loads of menus I had to carry – considering my left hand is still on weight restrictions. I was definitely annoyed at her until she was taken away to help take orders.

Then my male boss kept turning into Mr. Hyde and asking me “why this” and “why that”. He always HAD SOMETHING to find wrong in what I’m doing. He may have told me I did a great job one night but when you’re in the moment, it can really harsh your mellow. I am the first person our guests see, so I have to be chipper. My main boss is impressed with that and doesn’t say anything hurtful. So I guess we all know which of the 2 male bosses in my life are camping and brought their bug sprays.

This is going to be a whine-fest, I’m giving you a disclaimer now.

We have a server whose name is Kathy, she’s overweight and a fault-finder. She’s also a liar and has the worst manners. I’ll give you an example: one day, she enters the restaurant as a guest. She was obviously with her boyfriend. While she started talking to me, she never introduces the person with her. She just asked for a gluten- free menu. When they dined, their server kept coming to me whining that it’s been half an hour and they still haven’t made up their mind about what to eat. Another day, I sat some guests and told her about them. The parents in this party are from New Zealand and they are here for the first time. I told Kathy that I sat a table for her : “oK” she says. I tell her that the parents in that table came from New Zealand and their kids brought them to dine here. “Oh wow.” She replied.

20 minutes later she hadn’t gone to the table and when confronted, she tells boy manager that she was never told. Now boss man is chiding me again.

So, all of these ass wipes that have been doing shit to me have been hidden blessings. Honestly ! Through their annoying traits and lies and arrogance, I learn to adjust and anticipate what could happen next.

Every time I sit a table now, I wait until the server acknowledges and the other staff can hear this. I also check right away if the guests have been seen by their server. Also, I have learned that humoring boy boss is the best way to shut him up. He likes being the boss and wants to be assured no one forgets. About Kendra – it’s her last day this week. Hallelujah.

So life goes on. I’m soaking my feet right now in hot eucalyptus-flavored epsom salt. It takes the stink away from my feet.

Thank goodness for Xanax, I haven’t done anything that I know I will regret.

Stray Family

Before climbing to bed tonight, I made a quick check on my leg and thighs for any slugs. Good lawd, I have never seen so many slugs at once, somehow I’m scared I’ll dream about them on me. Shudder.

Throughout the non-post weeks, I have been trying to take care of this stray cat and her two kittens. My son once told me that there were maybe 4 kittens. They are lurking in a bush against the wall outside of my parking space. As a matter of fact, I think that’s their home…but it really isn’t . They’re a homeless family. My heart aches.

A few weeks after moving in this new apartment, I would spot a tortoise looking cat walking about my neighborhood grounds. I think that this may be the father of the kittens now that I see their mom. The kittens have the prettiest blue eyes similar to their mom. The first time I tried to approach them to give them some food, the mother cat hissed at me and she did it so forcefully I knew exactly why. She was trying to protect her kittens. There were two of them : The cutest ash-gray kitten and the prettiest white kitten with blue eyes. I immediately fell in love with this cat family when I saw them despite the fact that I was being hissed at to almost a growl from the mother cat. She’s very skinny and looks like she hasn’t eaten for days or weeks. Her kittens are so frail-looking. I had some cans of Fancy Feast cat food which my cats only seem to like for 3 seconds. These have been in my kitchen cabinet ever since we moved, from the old apartment. I brought three cans on the first day that I saw the cats and emptied all of it on a disposable plate. The mother cat devoured almost all of it. She bit off chunks of the cat food from the plate and tried to bring it to the back of the bush. Immediately after that, the gray kitten started coming out of the bush and ate from the same plate. Poor thing ! Poor kitty !!! Despite knowing that I have done something good for this little family, my heart ached because I knew that they didn’t have a home.

A few days after, when I had the opportunity to find information about surrendering stray animals, I tried to call the Humane Society that is closest to where I live. I left a voicemail as it seems like there is a very long waiting period, if you want to speak to a person. Sigh. I told them about potentially borrowing a trap-N-neuter cage. The weekend following that call, I received a voicemail telling me that their next appointment available for surrendering cats and other stray animals is October. They also mentioned that they did not have any TNR cages at this time.

Why is there an appointment necessary to bring an animal over? I thought the Humane Society was humane.

When Pet Smart had a promotion where you get to buy one bag and get one free bag of cat food, I took this opportunity to get some kitten kibble. A few days before that as well, I dropped by Walmart and bought a box of more Fancy Feast canned cat food. It was in my mission to take care of this little family outside my apartment. So, believe it or not, I bought a 7 pound kitten kibble from the Blue Buffalo brand. Lucky kitties! I was quite happy that there was a promotion and I was able to buy more and enough for my own little furry family.

To cut the story a little short, the kittens and their mom have been getting their rations of food daily from me and my son. We both feel that we need to do something before the winter comes. I’ve even put it on Facebook for my friends to know that I have stray kittens and their mommy cat that need a home. At this time, it is impossible for me to try and get at least the kittens to a box considering that my other hand is still recovering from surgery. I don’t think that taking them away from their mom at this time would also do them good. The kittens are probably four weeks old. One time, my daughter’s boyfriend said that he once rescued a mother cat with her kittens and he surrendered them to the shelter. He said that the shelter took the kittens and put the mother down. That is so heartbreaking.

“Baboon!” I told my dog, “I haven’t fed the kittens today.” I actually didn’t feel so bad because I left them enough food the day before and it was enough to last them until today. My son also brought down some water yesterday when I mentioned the cats need to be fed. Tonight, I poured more kibble in the plastic cup I used to transfer food and a cup of wet food. I saw the kittens the day before and they were side-by-side staring at the road, a few feet away. Today, no sign of both kitties and the mom.

So tonight, telling my dog Baboon that I had to go feed the strays, I brought the kibble and the wet food and used my cellphone flashlight for me to see the ground. The disposable plate was still there – a bit dirty from this little slimy thing I really couldn’t tell what from the tiny light from my phone. I used a plant leaf to scrape it off the plate. It looked like a snot. A thick snot. Gross.

So while I poured the kibble, I noticed something gray and shiny a few inches away from the plate. “Hmm.”, I thought. “A snail lost its shell ???” I opened the cup of wet food and laid it away from the… oh my God, it was a fucking garden slug AND THEY WERE ALL OVER THE FUCKING GROUND !!!!! Tiny slugs, medium slugs and the mother of all slugs right at the corner, a few inches from my feet. What else could they be ? I honestly have never seen a fucking slug in real life.

As I walked backwards to exit the little space between the bush and the wall, I shine the flashlight on my path to see how vast the slug colony was. When I got out and on concrete grounds again, I said in a loud whisper, “Siri, show me pictures of a slug.”

“You need to unlock your iPhone first.”

Fucking Siri.

I didn’t need a lot of time to confirm that what I saw were slugs. Squirm. Squirm. Squirm.

My attention shifted from the slug pictures to the mother cat that has then come out to feed. My thoughts started racing, thinking about the kittens. “I wonder where the kittens could be ?” Typically the gray one comes out quicker. The white one often is last to feed. “Ohhhhh no, could the slugs have hurt them ???” I imagined the slugs on the kitties and their blood getting sucked out of their tiny bodies. There was a debate going on in my head of whether to begin a slug massacre.

As I climbed back to my apartment, I said a little prayer that the kittens are OK. Also, I realized that my pajama pants were beyond my feet and touched the ground. The slug-infested ground.

“Baboon!” I exclaimed to my 10-year-old dog, “The kittens aren’t there!”

Baboon didn’t seem to give a fuck. My cats couldn’t care less if the fuck flew either.

Stripping off my pants in the bathroom, I checked for anything slimy and shiny. Even anything that looked like a thick giant snot. Thankfully, none. So I’m in bed now and my Seroquel hasn’t kicked in so far. I honestly want to watch a little more TV to play with my thoughts about the slugs.

Well, I guess I’ll have to let y’all know.

My Umbrella

I lost my umbrella today. How so ? It’s been so hot lately that I have been using my tribal-print automatic umbrella for shade when I go for walks. Today, I went to see my doctor for my post surgery check up … I know I still had it when I drove back home. However, along the drive home I decided to drop by Target to pick up some milk.

Yes, I used my umbrella to walk from my car to the store. When I entered, my gaze was stuck on this yellow dress…I went to the fitting room to try a small and a medium, came out with the small dress and headed to get milk.

I may have left my trusty umbrella in the fitting room. I REALLY, really love that umbrella. It definitely has sentimental value.

Back last year, I was unemployed and couldn’t seem to get a job. I began to find comfort it walking everyday – 10,000 steps to be the goal. This brought me to discovering new parks, went back to photography and embrace nature as a part of my therapy. I was hopping from one park to anther all the way thru winter when the rains started to fall almost everyday. I still went out to walk. My colorful umbrella was with me through wind and rain. It protected me and my camera from being ambushed by the huge raindrops and made me feel happy no matter now stormy my life was and the weather have been. The colors are bright and beautiful. I’ve had this umbrella only for a short 3 or 4 years but it was with me when I was in my rainy season.

Sigh. It sounds so superficial to be mourning over a material belonging BUT have you ever lost something – like a keychain or a favorite pen ? Didn’t it make you feel like you lost a part of your well-being? It’s how I feel right now.

Maybe it’s just here somewhere. I have looked in my car and it isn’t there. I may have left it at Starbucks- inside Target.

I don’t think so.

It’s in the fitting room. Had I just walked to the milk fridge, I may still have my umbrella. Now I’ll have to buy a new one and that’s going to cost me something against my budget. Well, I still have 2 black umbrellas and a really tiny manual umbrella – now THIS I really cannot lose – that’s more than 15 years old. This old umbrella is still working but quite small. It’s plaid and really lightweight. It has traveled with me from country to country. Makes me giggle a little because I always seem to have an umbrella with me when I travel.

What aches me more really is that I lost something in a place I know BUT I am quite positive it’s no longer there. I’m so perplexed ! Why would I lose my umbrella that’s been in my purse all that time ? I may have brought it out while in the fitting room to check my phone.

Please, Baby Jesus ! Help me find my umbrella.

Lies

“Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…”

This is actually me, lying to one of my best friends who planned to take a weekend off to the wine country. He’s supposed to fly in on Friday and stay at my place. Then we head out for Napa this weekend.

Financially, I may have been able to pull off this mini getaway since he’s paying for everything. I’m, however, not ready to cut a chunk out of my paycheck by taking 3 days off. My boss may have approved of it had I requested for it but I didn’t.

My hand is still in a brace, I still ache from the wound and I know I may not have fun…so won’t he. My best friend is also suffering from depression and as much as I miss him, I want to take care of my issues first.

So today, I told him that my boss didn’t approve of my requested schedule. LIE. I lied and he believed me. It’s true that I’m not off this weekend but I certainly didn’t request to be off. Yes, I feel awful but glad I was finally able to get it off my chest. My best friend loves to hang out with me as he did when he still lived in the Bay.

Now, he has lied to me quite many times in the past too. I’m not seeking redemption for myself but he’s lied to me so much in the past, I confronted him about it.

See, men and women lie. It’s not just men. We lie about so many things too, although maybe not in the same context as men do. It’s wrong, I know, but we all know that it’s often the only quick way to get out of a situation that makes us uncomfortable or uneasy.

If there is any place I wouldn’t dare lie, it would be at work. It sounds unfair BUT I cannot risk losing my job. If any, I want to be a better worker at my job. Come to think of it, lying to someone may mean that person isn’t that important in my life. I can lie to people but not to someone or something I don’t want to lose. It’s often that we lie because we want to keep that other person’s company BUT in reality, constant lying to the same person will eventually prove our worth. I’ve been there. When I was a kid, I lied to my parents and my siblings. I lost their trust in so many ways. The only reason they stuck with me is that because I proved to them that I can be what I tell them I want to be and of course, they’re my family and they love me.

My sister doesn’t trust me fully and I don’t blame her. I’ve made too many mistakes in my life that I’m ashamed of. She loves me anyway. I don’t trust my older brother because he, when he needed money, sold all my framed needlework which was in a display in our childhood home. He knew how valuable those were to me. He sold them without asking for my permission because he knew I would say no. One time, I was so angry that I told my sister to find who he sold them to and I will buy them back. Up to now, my work are in someone else’s house. My sister said that my brother won’t tell her. It took me a year or so before talking to my brother again. I’ve forgiven him but I will never forget.

My hand is now wounded as a fruit of all the needlework I did when I was young – but the result of all my handwork is gone.

Things like these can be depressing.